Strength and Warmth
The hydraulic effect between them.
There are moments in life when you need to stand firm, and others where you need to exude warmth.
We need both physical and psychological strength in order to get things done. We are not passive actors in a deterministic reality, and we need the gumption to shape the world around us.
Warmth, on the other hand, relates to the feeling of belonging, care, and affection. When we are learning to be accepting of others, we need to be open and soften our hearts, so that we can connect.
While strength and warmth can be complementary and not mutually exclusive, John Neffiner and Matthew Kohut, authors of the book Compelling People, point out that there is a “hydraulic effect” between strength and warmth. “When one goes up, the other usually goes down.” They add,
Nearly everything you do to increase your strength diminishes your warmth, and vice versa.
In most social situations, those who project themselves with high strength can often be seen as assholes. On the other hand, those who dial up warmth tend to be experienced as friendly.
When we are learning to be accepting of others, the first thing we should do is dial up Warmth, and dial down Strength. Theologian John Dunne described empathy as an act of “passing over,” where we leave ourselves and enter into the thoughts, feelings, and imaginations of the other.
Then there are situations when we need to dial up Strength and dial down Warmth. These are the moments when we are called to have a strong spine. These moments required us to be undivided between our inner and outer life.
That is, when we say ‘yes’ on the outside, we have to make sure it is not a ‘no’ on the inside.
Practise dialling up warmth, so that you can “pass over” to the other person you are trying to be accepting of.
Practise dailling up strength, so that you do not pass yourself over.
The above is a modified excerpt from Paradox 6: Acceptance and Change in Crossing Between Worlds.
P/S: If you are in a transition phase of life, waiting to make a change, I’ve created a short quiz to give you a quick start. Answer 10 questions and I’d send you a personalised report based on specific ideas in this book tailored for you.
Crossing Between Worlds is now available in all formats (paperback, ebook, audiobook) and in all good bookstores. You can also buy direct if you wish to support my work. Big thanks.
Daryl Chow Ph.D. is the author of The First Kiss, co-author of Better Results, and The Write to Recovery, Creating Impact, The Field Guide to Better Results, and the latest book, Crossing Between Worlds.
If you are a helping professional, you might like my other Substack, Frontiers of Psychotherapist Development (FPD).
